Red Shoe Ramblings: How To Crochet A Scarf-Like Object While Amazing and Mystifying Your Friends: The DebR Method

In a recent batch of comments, my friend Bev wrote:

"Having been a "witness" to Deb's FIRST scarf that she "sorta crocheted", I am anxiously awaiting the description of her "method" and results. Had I not seen it with my own eyes I would not have believed that it was possible to do what she did and have it remotely resemble a scarf.....but hey, this the Deb of all Debs and she can do most anything she puts her mind to."

Aaaaww...thanks Bev!! :::beam::: How can I resist an invitation like that. So here, without further ado, is my lesson in how to crochet a scarf-like object the DebR way. Step 1: Choose a yarn where it'll be really difficult to tell where your loops start and stop once you begin making stitches. I used "Boa" nylon yarn, by Bernats. (I think...or maybe Patons...too lazy to look it up!) Step 2: Buy a random crochet hook from a discount store display because you and your family sold all your mother's crochet hooks, knitting needles and yarn at a yard sale after her death, certain none of you would ever, EVER want to use them. Ahem. It is nice if the crochet hook you choose is a pretty color. I think mine is blue. Or maybe green. To be honest I'm not sure. I haven't seen it in a while. I remember it was largish because I figured I'd get done faster that way. Step 3: Attempt to make a slip knot in one end of the yarn. Discover that either a) you don't really remember how to make a slip knot or b) maybe you do, but the eyelashy sticky outy parts of the yarn are interfering with the slippage. Step 4: Decide it doesn't really matter if the knot won't adjust. You'll just have kind of a largish starting loop. Who'll know with all that fuzz? Step 5: Make some chain stitches until you think the chain looks about as long as a scarf should be wide. You might think you need to count these so you can double check them later, but trust me, the number won't matter. At ALL. Step 6: Try to remember the last time you crocheted something (which for me was about 1978 or so) in order to remember how to make a stitch other than a chain. Think about it a while. Some coffee and/or chocolate consumption may be helpful at this point. Step 6b: When you've finished the coffee and/or chocolate and have decided you're tired of thinking about it (time may vary) just go ahead and start wrapping the yarn around the hook and pulling it through each of the loops of the chain. It has to be SOME kind of stitch if it stays together, right? (Turns out I found out later I was doing a single crochet stitch, so HA!) Step 7: Keep repeating Step 6b, stitch after stitch, row after row, with the goal being to make a long, thin, rectangular scarf-like object. If you counted the stitches on your original chain, feel free to try to keep count of how many stitches you're making on each new row, trying to keep the number consistent. Maybe you'll have better luck with that part than I did. But if not, move on to Step 8. Step 8: Every now and then, pause at the end of a row and see if your scarf-like object is still rectangular or if it's more trapezoidal or rhomboid-like. If it's still a rectangle, yay you! Return to Step 7 and keep on keepin' on. If, however, you've been distracted by cats, reality tv shows, and/or general crocheting incompetence and your object's shape is something other than a rectangle, move on to Step 9. Step 9: When you reach the end of your last row (the end that is nearest the most crooked side of the scarf-like object), turn it and start making stitches down the side, perpendicular to the "real" rows, until you get to the spot where it stopped being a rectangle and started changing into some other shape. Then start adding stitches as needed to fill in the gaps and change it back into a rectangle. Yeah, really. I'm serious. Trust me, this works! You'll find plenty of spare loops of stuff to hook onto. Just keep adding stuff kind of randomly until it looks right! Step 10: When the scarf-like object looks more-or-less rectangular again, work your way back to the "real" rows and start adding more of them. Repeat steps 6 - 10, as needed until your scarf-like object has reached the desired length. Then cut the yarn from the skein and pull it through that final loop, making a knot, and hide the "tails" of yarn in the scarf. Look admiringly at how many imperfections all those Boa stitcky-outy feathers hide: